Honestly what will become of me, don't like reality

Working at the Bay View. Mam and Dad's health. Starting at the gym. Andrew WK. PPW. Joe E Legend. E Street. Imogen in BB. The photos. Escort. W800i. Celtic. NWA. Alyssa and me. Coventry. Cultech. Tattoo. Filters. Family! Jan. Merthyr. Catrin!

I've forgiven, but I won't ever forget what you started 4 years ago tonight.

Someone like you puts me off my food

Massive, massive clean-up today. Got to get the place looking good for my little princess tomorrow.

After all the messing about with Mastercard and paypal, I finally was able to order my stuff from ebay - very impressed with my tv remote coming within 24 hours. Just waiting on the spray and 1 Gb card for my phone. Bought loads of clobber in town and Swansea yesterday, can't beat Burtons in a sale! I'm seriously impressed.

Got a lot of thinking to do for my annual 'looking back' list. Pity I've got to work in the day.

And I'll be spending the night exactly as I did 12 months ago. Staying in with my little girl. And although I won't regret doing it like that, next year will be different.

I feel good, I knew that I would.

Up at half 7, no real point though! Quite a good day, had a duster (?) from my parents (it was a joke present), £100, David Beckham, Eternity and Deisel aftershaves from Kathryn, a wallet with my new initials from Cathy, and other bits and pieces as well as Satnav - kind of 'shared ownership' on that :D

Well I'll be setting it up and programming it all the time...

Picked Alyssa up at 11, she opened all her presents here, she was having a great time and then we went to Cathy's for lunch. Alyssa was very well behaved and we took her home by 4, really good day. Looking forward to wednesday though, as well as the weekend. Not having her on saturday but picking her up on sunday night and she'll spend the night at my place - that's the plan anyway. This means I'll get friday and saturday off - and I can't wait :D

Bought a 1gb memory card for my phone on ebay today, can't wait for that to arrive, also bought a remote for my PS2. I'll sell my old DVD player on there so that'll be pretty good.

Ah well, guess it's all over for another year!

Act your age mama, not your shoe size.

Well that's done. Got up at 6.30am yesterday and was knocking on the door of Toys R Us at 8am. I figured it would be roofed - and boy was I wrong. No queues, nothing. Just me and one or two other people in the massive store, so I spent ages getting present for Alyssa. Bought some more bits and pieces around Swansea and and I was just about done by half 9. Bought Dad a maglight torch and Mam's having a bonzai tree. And that's about it!

My phone is now working, looking good with the new software. Just got to get a new fascia and I'll be happy with it.

Decided in order to get Guidance over as some kind of fake I'll need Mane, so I ordered it yesterday. Who knows when that will arrive...

Been wondering about Boxing day - what's going to happen at 11am? It won't feel right to see nothing. I really want to go and look, obviously from a distance.

This is your time to pay, this is your judgement day

It's amazing, I don't feel festive in any way. Maybe it's because I haven't had the radio on much recently, but tomorrow it all changes. Pay day and I've got the whole day off so I'll be busy all day. Looks like I'll be up early and be in Swansea by 9am, probably along with about 50,000 others. Still, I'm sure it'll be good.

The job is going surprisingly well so far but I need to progress. Excalibur in working mode is really different to the crappy training version which is too restrictive. I'm still finding my way around but I have to keep an eye on the old wizard which I think will be my bugbear.

Funnily enough, this is more like 04/05 than 01/02 which in some ways isn't so bad.

Looks like WWO is calling me - and a heel AGAIN...

Where were you while we were getting high?

Could this year be any more 5 years ago?

Maybe the contacts will return, still haven't made up my mind on those yet. Getting more and more used to the idea of mane again. Was that the last time? I think so, but has it really been that long? Apart from November 2002, I think yes it was. I have such an opportunity to make things different this time around, although it obviously depends on another Port Talbot Parkway event. If I don't get that then maybe I won't be too disappointed, after all what's the point of trying to recreate history? Invariably that just doesn't work. Will Love Walk In?

The JJB gym in Merthyr is amazing, went in the pool after my workout yesterday followed by the steam room, really refreshing. I'm determined to have an early morning session sooner rather than later.

Bought another 6280 on Ebay on wednesday - and by today it still hadn't arrived although the seller reckons he sent it on friday. Maybe it's just the Christmas post....

I mean come on, the guy has a feedback score of 300 with only 3 negatives and his listing was quite articulate, not like the kid who hawked me the stolen phone.

It started out with a kiss, how did it end up like this

Work is tough - really tough. Mentally draining. I've never had to make such snap decisions in such tight deadlines before. Still it's worth it, the money is ridiculously good and I'm enjoying the challenges it brings up. Keep being told about opportunities to work all around the world - but I really don't want to leave South Wales.

Which reminds me - was accused of child abuse tonight. Nice. When our paths cross, my friend (and they will cross) you'll see a side of me you never knew existed. Of course, I'm not threatening violence. But take that for what it is. I know you read my blog. Nice to know you take such an interest in my life.

That smile was crying that you were mine

Latest assessment score - 97%. Quietly impressed with myself. Even happier that paypal ruled in my favour in the dispute I opened with that kid who sold me the stolen Nokia 6280. All the money came back to me today so I'm happy at that.

Was supposed to have Alyssa tonight but her mother forgot to tell me there was a concert this afternoon. Nice. I hate it when she does that. I spend all day yesterday looking forward to seeing her and now this. And of course I can't say a thing.

Started back at the gym today - at work I get a discount for the JJB Fitness Centre in Merthyr and it was my first work-out in about 3 months. I need to take it slowly but it was a good session, the equipment there is awesome. Looking forward to doing it again on friday.

We do what we like and we like what we do

Just by seeing one trigger object, lots of memories of my past can flood my mind. I've blogged enough about 2002, but that's not the only memorable year I've had. 2001 was powerful too.

In 2001 Tina and I thankfully split up. I then went off to Oxford for a few months (what a great experience that was) and returned a few months later. I sort of drifted for a few weeks then I joined ntl....and it all kicked off from there. Sharing with Tammy, meeting Vicki, dying my hair, driving to Norwich, buying my mountain bike, the Corus fire, huge pay rise, Freeserve, plans to see Iona, 8210, Uncle Kracker, Linkin Park, The Box music.......so many good memories!

A few days ago I decided to call the police in about the stolen 6280. I went to the police station and there was something familiar about the officer who dealt with me.....and I twigged straight away - she used to be on my team in ntl! Around Christmas 2001 we were all moved to different teams but she was part of the one I was in before the move. She always was nice to me, but I was with Vicki so I never considered doing anything about it.

Over the years I'd often wondered what happened to her and now I know. She remembered me, we had a laugh about the old days and it was really good to catch up.

She'll be calling me on tuesday to go over the rest of the details about the phone.

You are the bearer of unconditional things

Sometimes it's easier to be the bigger man just by walking away. You can often say so much more by saying very little. Bruce Lee proved that - mind you, he died of a swollen brain, so I don't know who to believe now.

Anyway, Ric Flair often says "to be the man you've got to beat the man". I'm about to commit wrestling suicide here - I've never rated Flair. Even though I'll never achieve 1% of what he's accomplished, I think he should have retired years ago (c'mon Ric, have you ever managed to fly from the top rope on to someone?). But maybe I'm in the minority on that one.

I can't do this all on my own, no, I'm no superman.

I love Scrubs. Can't believe how much Elliot is a perfect fusion of my cousin Heather and Claire Scott.

Got really psyched today - scored a perfect 100% on my PP paper today. Been bricking it all week, was expecting to get the spanish archer over it. Maybe this really is the start of something big. bigger than anything I've had before. Me? Growing up? How very dare you....

Sade, dire moi

I'm close to crashing again. I can feel it coming, all the signs are there. I'll be very surprised if I make it through the next 2 weeks without repercussions on some scale. And the worst thing is I'm so helpless about it, I can only stand back and let it happen.

Black eye is still there looking awesome. Haven't had one of these in years so I'd forgotten how painful they are. Still, it gets me noticed at work.

What's really unusual is Andrea at work looks so much like Tina, it's worrying. She's not related to her, which is good.

My ebay stuff came this week, signed picture of Wayne Rooney, Nojia 6280, and nokia charger. Great story about the 6280 - it's stolen. I couldn't get it to work so I contacted TMobile who confirmed it's blacklisted. I should get my money back off the seller in the next few days.

The sirens are screaming and the fires are howling

I sit here typing this as a man in pain. Last night I worked for NWA Wales at the Burleigh Academy in Newport in the Battle Royal. It was good to be in the ring with so many talented people but man they were stiff. Mike Bird got in a few nasty chops and a wicked headbutt which I'm still feeling right now and big Ryan clotheslined me in to the corner so hard, a shot of pain flew through my back so badly that I couldn't move for about a minute.

Also in the show somewhere, I managed to take knock just below my left kneecap which is a major weakspot on my body. I woke up this morning a massive bruise there as well as an awesome limp.

Anyway went along to the Celtic show this afternoon and before we started, Chris Recall and myself were messing about in the ring, trying out new moves etc, but instead he suddenly decided it would be a shoot fight (without telling me) and twisted my knee so badly that for about 20 minutes I couldn't put weight on that leg, which was really irresponsible and very unprofessional of him. I like Chris but he was an arsehole for doing that and if I had any suspicions that he did it on purpose, I'd have sparked him out myself. Later on in the show, during the Rumble Justin Johnson caught me with an uppercut forearm to my left eyebrow so hard that I saw stars and was in intense pain. Luckily Thomas Bassey picked me up and chucked me out of the ring quickly as I could have got seriously hurt had I stuck around.

So here I am with a swollen knee and swollen eyebrow along with a black eye which looks like I've just applied black eye shadow.

Was good to see Vicki at last night's show. She needs to come more often.

Out the door just in time, head down the A465

Life has got a wierd habit of presenting you with the things you've wait for your whole life but at the worst possible time. You then get demoralised as you think you'll never get your chance.

My new contract arrived this morning. All the paperwork was there, no need for me to complete it yet, I'll take it along on monday.

Why am I so nervous about monday? This is ideal for me, I've been waiting for this for years, it'll take me back to 2001 but that's irrelevant. The distance is a bit of a downer but I won't let that stop me. In any case I can do something proactive about that.

Anyway, the Tropical Warrior is over. Enter....Guidance ;)

Remember when we were such fools, and so convinced and just too cool

So many changes, it's hard to keep up with them.

Back in the summer I was a mobile DJ at a social club which suddenly closed down. Although I had a bit of money behind me, I wanted the security of a regular income so I went out and grabbed the first job I could find. I know one or two of you have some kind of perverse interest in my private stuff so I'll throw you a lifeline - I've been working for www.cultech.co.uk since June in the factory office. It's been alright I suppose, good money and good people but it's just not 'me' - but I'm a slave to convention and I hit my comfort zone so I've stuck with them.

The other day I saw what looked like a dead cool job advertised. I went for the interview in the morning and by 3pm they'd called me back and asked me to start on monday - very surprised at that.

So on to a new chapter in my life - and I've got a feeling this is going to be good. I guarantee you've heard of the company I'm going to work for and quite possibly you're a customer of theirs. It's ironic where the place is based but that's not really something I'm bothered about. I'm just happy to be back in this line of work again.

I get one or two comments here asking about the titles of my blog entries - it's quite simple, they're all song lyrics. Sometimes the title is something to do with how I'm feeling, other times it's a song I've heard throughout the day, other times it's a cryptic message. But don't waste too much time over it - most of the time they're completely random.

Which reality-tv show contestant will I be wrestling on saturday for Celtic Wrestling?

And I don't want the world to see me

After 9 years and 10 months, I am now Russell Burt again. Did the legal business this afternoon, it's all official.

Today's family meet has been put off til tomorrow as only Robbie would have been able to come and only for about an hour. Sally called to say tomorrow afternoon would be better as Rob, John and Andrew will be coming. I couldn't say no to that, the only downside is Cathy might not be able to come but she wants this as much as me so she'll do her best to be there.

Dad's got NO idea what's coming!

On another topic, a word of advice for anyone thinking of joining Talk Talk's broadband service.

Don't.

Nobody I'd rather be

Tonight I'm high. So high. I've never been higher and nothing is going to bring me back down.

No, not drugs.

All going well, tonight is the last time I'll be Russ David. I should be changing my name tomorrow. I've arranged a family get-together and I'm really looking forward to it. Sadly not all the gang can be there but it'll be a start. I'm determined to get everyone together soon.

Need to get things back on track - I'm existing, not living, and I don't want that. Maybe this will give me the release I want. In anycase it'll give me a surge of strength I didn't know I had.

MSN - be careful who you talk about on there - it can get back to them.

This time of year I always get memories of autumn/winter 2002 - the video for Holly Valance's Naughty Girl, traffic outside, coming in from ntl, candle kit, getting ready to go to america, the weather, it all comes back to me at this time of year, not that I'm complaining - it was a really happy time for me. Also the documentary was filmed during those days too - as well as the Glynneath incident. All in all, some great times.

Why does my heart feel so bad?

One year ago today I started this blog. Crazy stuff. I can't believe half the stupid crap I've been up to. And do I learn? Don't be daft.

August 2005 has well and truly returned but on a smaller scale. I'm as sure as I can be that it won't be as serious but that's no real consolation - I don't want this hanging over my head at Christmas. This is it, I just knew it would come back. I should have known I wasn't entirely rid of it.

May as well just enjoy having my family and supportive friends around me.

I'll get through this.

Love put me wise to her love in disguise

You think you know me. You see 10% of my personality online and decide you know enough about me to form an accurate opinion. How can you say that when you've never even met me? The closest you came was when you heard me on the radio and downloaded my waxing clip. You read the posts I make on CF and decide you know me.

OK then. Did you know that one 2 occasions I almost died? (better luck next time eh?)

Did you know I used to be engaged?

Did you know I had to move to Oxford to escape her family?

Did you know I saved a child from drowning when I was 8?

You don't know me at all. What, you read my blog and think you know what happens in my life?

Right.

And you don't think you only know what I chose to post about?

Acting out of character Is everything we know

Here we go.

Our reputation is starlight

Roll with the punches. Even when these are some pretty impressive uppercuts coming my way. Whoever said life is a series of peaks and troughs was right on the money. I've got no idea where the next spike is going to come from but I guess I'll just keep fighting all this. I've got no option - this really IS the bottom line. Pete Lazarus seems to have saved the day - again. Will ride these 3 months out then take action in the new year.

Not heard from my family in a few days, will need to call them up soon. Will have to tell them everything - and get used to it.

My new leather jacket arrived yesterday, as did the Nike running jacket I had off ebay. Seems ok, nothing special though. It's very thin and definately just a runner's top. UT2003 came today so I've been on that all day. The rest of my bits and bobs will come next week apparently. Can't wait for the iTrip - my car cd player is annoying the crap out of me.

Let me sleep on it, I'll give you an answer in the morning

What do the following have in common:

• Unreal Tournament 2003
• Griffin iTrip Nano
• X-Loop wrap around runners sunglasses
• Nike Running Jacket
• Headphone Adapter for a Sony Ericsson W810i

Answer - I've bought them all from Ebay in the last 24 hours. My credit card came through on friday so I've been giving it a right hammering and for all the time I've been online, I've never used Ebay before.

Actually that's not quite true, I used my mother's account a few times but that's only because I wasn't all that interested - until now.

Had my second match with Celtic yesterday against The Workman - and no I didn't win. I was disqualified due to outside interference. DeathRow came down and wasted Workman. Not happy that I lost to him. Anyway Kim came with me and she enjoyed the show, she's starting to get on with everyone. Really nice girl is Kim - I don't know why I sound so surprised that that. Probably because I'm so used to Louise.

Was with Camilla in the evening - she's cool as well. I'm seeing sides of her I didn't know existed.

My cousin Robbie called me the other night and we talked for ages. Was hoping he could bring the family to the show yesterday but it was too short notice - we'll sort it out soon though.

And I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way tonight

What just happened today??

Had a loooong think in work today. Sod actual 'work' (I mean, what right do they have to expect me to do the job for which I am paid), I needed to get my head around a lot of stuff. All about last night. And my life.

I'm Russ Burt. I'm wearing the name like a badge.

Burt is my birthname. In 1997 I decided to change my name by deed poll. No, I won't say why.

Last night I came home. I was with my family. Enough of my mother's side, the ones I've been brought up with. The ones who treat me like an outcast because of squabbles which I had no part in. The ones who I feel no affinity with. The ones who have created me to be so one-sided. I don't want any of that.

I want my father's family. The Burts. My birthright. My heritage. I want to be ME for the first time in so many years. Russ David was a creation. A nothingness with no reality. He never really existed, even though I did everything legitimately.

So November 1st 2006 sees me 'return' after a 9 year absence. The difference now of course is my name actually means something to me and like I said, I'm wearing it like a badge. I was going to be the last of the Burts and the family line would have ended with me and there's no way I'd desecrate it like that.

Am I being dramatic? You might think so but I really don't care. As a great man once said, "You must show no mercy…nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you…for your greatness will silence them all". Am I saying I'm great? Nah, far from it. But my loyalty, belief and faith in my family will silence everyone.

I don't know you if you won't know me

It's been a long time coming. Almost 25 years in fact.

For reasons I won't go in to here (because it's none of your business), I saw very little of my father's family as I grew up. Up until I was about 7 I saw them all the time but then something happened and that was it, no more. It's such a shame that I have very few memories of any of them but that's that I suppose.

My father's father passed away in 1993 so my dad and I went to the funeral. We were largely ignored and only a few bothered to say hello. None of them stick out in my mind as I wouldn't have remembered who they were anyway.

Jump forward to 2005 and my cousin Sally turns up out of the blue. She always loved my father (her uncle) and finally tracked us down. My father was really made up as he loved her too. She was one of the few who spoke to him at the funeral by the way.

I remember Sal from when I was younger. Only a few memories but never mind. In the last year she's been around quite a lot, in fact she's been like how a cousin should.

She's been saying for ages she'd take me to meet them all and I kept putting it off until this week I decided enough was enough and I wanted to see my family. I've missed out on so much which can never be replaced. Not just family get-togethers etc but just knowing I've got cousins and family around me.

Anyway, we arranged it for tonight.

And tonight I got reaquainted with Aunts Val and Carol (my dad's sisters) and cousins Robbie, Tony and John as well as their respective kids. And I loved it.

Loved it.

They all welcomed me back, it was amazing. I only had 2 hours with them as I was working for The Wave tonight (hear that Carl?) but I'm definately going to spend more time with them. It'll be nice to take Alyssa there too.

Amazing. I was with my cousins tonight. All 4 of them. I've never been able to say that before.

Porthcawl has never looked so good!

It's back.

Oh yes, it's back. It has returned.

But then again, maybe I have too.

It really really really could happen

I went somewhere today that I'd not been to in more than 14 years.

St Joseph's Catholic Church in Port Talbot is where I used to go every sunday until I was 18, always dragged along by my mother. Well not physically dragged but emotionally I suppose. Catholicism never really had much of an attraction for me. I always believed of course but the way the whole thing was set-up.....put it this way - my mother told me until I hit the age of 18, I was to go to church each sunday.

And on June 11 1992 I legally became an adult. Guess what I never went back to.

Until today. Some distance family member's grandchild was being baptised (my mother's side of the family are more Catholic than the pope) and seeing as I had Alyssa today, I was asked to go along and I thought it would be nice for her to meet more of the family, especially the kids.

And what a wash-out it was. I've never been particularly close to many of my mother's side of the family and this afternoon reinforced that. So I've made the decision I should have made months ago. I'm going to meet everyone on my father's side. Sally's been about for more than a year and she's the key. She's the doorway to Porthcawl. Who knows who's out there? I've got to meet them all. Find out who they are.

It won't please everyone but I'm not letting that stop me.

Anyway, the church looked exactly the same as it has done for as far back as I can remember. I had all these wierd thoughts as I walked about in there, such as the last time I was in that place I had hair - I was working for the Police - Nim was around - I couldn't drive - all these elements of nostalgia came back.

Am I living in the past? Or the now?

Where joy should reign, these skies restrain

I hate having a cold. I'm not talking about this 'man-flu' bollocks. I've got a cold, plain and simple. It's not bad enough to keep me off work but it does interfere with my day. I can't go to the gym or training, I'm feeling really shitty all day. Sleeping isn't easy either - I've got a blocked nose so I'm asleep with my mouth open and I wake up with a sore throat. I'm hoping to get some decent kip tonight so I've taken Night Nurse and I'm just going to keep on going til that kicks in.

It's just the way I'm feeling

Andrew Lloyd Webber reckons cats have got 3 names. The name their owners give them, the name other cats give them, and the name they call themselves.

So basically the whole feline population of the world has a mild identity crisis. No wonder they scream so loud while they're getting jiggy wid' it. What is it about my garden which attracts all of Port Talbot's cats? Is there a large neon sign overhead in cat language saying "Top Karzie and Nookie spot here"?

Anyway, back to the names. Tiddles might have got 3 - I've got 5. I'm Russ David. But I'm also Rob Sterling. Occasionally I'm Rex Everything. In the past I was Alan Ravenhill. And once upon a time I was Russell Burt.

My counsellor has a field day with me. Luckily only one of the personalities manifests itself at any one time.

One of these days I'll write something interesting in this here blog of mine.

Cryptic time? OK.

BVSMP. That's the reality. Or do I?

The cold has a voice, it talks to me

Codes, puzzles, clues, cryptic words, I use them all the time in this here blog. I feel more comfortable like that. This way, you dear reader only know what I chose to let you work out. I'm sorry if that makes me sound snobby - I don't mean it but there are things I don't want people talking about.

So why do I post them on the WWW? Because I haven't got the patience to write a diary. This is the closest I get. Plus from the comments I get left by you guys, seems like one or two of you (ok, perhaps BOTH of you..) enjoy trying to work out what the hell I'm bipping on about half the time.

Pia. 143.

Anyway, I need to stop being cryptic and Pia, without realising it, is helping me. Don't expect miracles, changes like these don't happen overnight. But it's a step in the right direction.

The Wave want me back next week for 2 shows - not sure if I'll take them, I have to let them know tomorrow.

I'm really impressed with the help and advice I've had from Chris Petherwick and Matt Vaughn ovr the weekend, I'm hoping I can really raise my game with those two on my side.

I thought that you'd be here by now

It's amazing how you find the answer to things in the most unlikely of places. Sometimes younger, more naive people can be the most insightful because they don't have any preconceived ideas.

Was chatting to a friend of mine tonight - well, she's not really a friend, she's only 17 and goes to wrestling training so I see her there occasionally. Was chatting to her while I was watching The Butterfly Effect and something she said made it all come together.

I now know what I have to do to get rid of the memories of Merthyr Girl.(http://russdaviduk.blogspot.com/2006/10/wastelands.html)

I'm not going to say as it's personal, really personal. Watch the film to have an idea. Or maybe you won't see it. Doesn't really bother me at all because this one is mine. This runs deep and it'll be great to get rid of it.

OK I have one niggling doubt but perhap it's just circumstantial. Anyway this is the closest I've ever been to establishing true inner peace with regards to this whole sorry mess.

What it's like to be me

If I'm in a shop ready to pay for things and I head to the tills, I absolutely positively guarantee the till I get to will be the slowest. Every time. There can be loads of reasons why my queue will be held up. Usually it's...

• The item that the customer is paying for is something that the new kid on the till has never seen before and needs to call the supervisor.
• Out of all the people in the queue, the assistant choses the moment I get to the till to do a drop. Which of course, requires the supervisor. Who is on a fag break.
• Just as the person in front of me gets to the till, the assistant finds out he/she hasn't got any change, so calls the supervisor to bring some. And the supervisor is 'upstairs'.
• Someone in front of me has an item which "won't scan" - so the till jockey needs to "call the supervisor". Who is currently dealing with someone else.
• Continuing from the above, the supervisor arrives and send the till jockey to go and find an itentical product to see if that will scan. But till jockey cannot find where the items are on the shelf.
• The person at the front of the queue decides to pay for their items entirely in pennies
• The person at the front of the queue decided they have the exact change at the bottom of their bag and will NOT move until they find it (what is it with women being obsessed with finding the exact change??)
• In Tesco you have those 'self scanning' tills. And of course when I'm in a hurry, the person using it has "never used it before and isn't sure what to do". Read the screen, doofus!

No, I'm not paranoid, honest.

Wastelands part 2

OK I've woken up properly now. It's not fair what I said about Merthyr Girl this morning.

We split up because of something I did. She was studying in London and came back to South Wales quite often, sometimes each week. Each time she came home she split her time between seeing me and spending time with her family and friends. On one occasion, a mate of hers asked her to come out for a spin in his father's car, a smart Alpha Romeo T-Spark, a car I knew she liked. She hadn't seen this mate in a while but she chose to spend the day with me instead.

That says a LOT about her I think.

The problem is some things just didn't add up towards the end. I loved her, despite having some odd ways of showing it. But I stress - I loved her - past tense. I'm long over her, but I think the reason I dream about her now and then is because I didn't get closure on a lot of things.

Lots of questions are still unanswered.

Yeah it was 4 years ago but they've niggled away in the back of my brain since then. If I get these question answered then I can put the whole thing to bed forever, and man I'm looking forward to that.

Wastelands

I'm all busted up
Broken bones and nasty cuts
Accidents will happen
But this time I can't get up
She comes to check on me
Making sure I'm on my knees
After all she's the one
Who put me in this state

Is she ultra-violent?
Is she disturbed?
I better tell her that I love her
Before she does it all over again
Oh god, she's killing me!!!

For now I'll lie around
hell, that's all I can really do
She takes good care of me
Just keep saying my love is true

Is she ultra-violent?
Is she disturbed?
I better tell her that I love her
Before she does it all over again
Oh god, she's killing me!!!

Looking out my window for
Someone that's passing by
No one knows I'm locked in here
All I do is cry

For now I'll lie around
hell, that's all I can really do
She takes good care of me
Just keep saying my love is true


Pulling Teeth - Green Day.

Dreamt of the Merthyr girl again last night. Why? Why won't she get out of my mind? She's nothing to me anymore, she hasn't been anything to me in a long, long time. Maybe her being in my dream symbolised someone else seeing as I spend more time in Merthyr these days. I just wish she'd be wiped from my mind. Why am I even bothering with all this? She's an insignificant person from a significant time of my life.

2002 was a defining year for me in so many ways. Those magical days from June to November were amazing - I'll never see days like them again. Not sure of the specific dates but I can remember when it started and finished - it began the day I moved in to Talbot Road and ended the day the camera crew left. Who and what I am today was defined by those 5 months. I made mistakes and of course I learned from them, right?

Wrong.

Punch and Pie

This is who I am....this is what I do. I've waited 25 years for this moment. My quarter-century dream was realised last night. Was good of Kim to come with me and do the business for me, she did a good job considering the tools she was given weren't the best. Anyway, it worked.

And I'm in amazing pain this morning. My jaw feels like I've been smacked hard - I can't close my mouth fully. I've got rope burns on my back but that's not so bad. Got a cut just above my left elbow which is stinging like nuts.

How long will she hang in there for? I'm not thinking about it.

Last night showed me what I should be doing about this whole mess. Drop it. Leave it alone. It isn't going to work. And that's going to be tough. But I WILL drop it.

Priceless

Nice guys finish last.
You're running out of gas.
Your sympathy will get you left behind.
Sometimes you're at your best, when you feel the worst.
You feel washed up, like piss going down the drain.

Nice Guys Finish Last - Green Day.

Makes me kind of wonder if I really need to be a bastard to get by in life. There's a woman of course....she's been around me for a while but recently things have been different...different in a good way.

She's said some things which have really made me sit up and notice how much of a wonderful person she is. So easy to talk to, she's confided in me about a few things too - and she's got an arse to die for!

Things don't look right for a relationship right now due to certain issues but that doesn't mean I don't want it to happen. Going to meet up with her soon but just her and me. I'm not going to try anything on, it's not that sort of thing, I just want to spend time with her, have a larf, be mates, that sort of thing.

We just seemed to click so quickly. She was wary of me to start off with but we've become really close - whatever happens, she's my friend and that puts a big smile on my face each time I think of her.

Xlek tiy rqlr

It's amazing how wrong you can be when you're convinced you know you're right.

That's all I have to say today.

Blastivity

Can't help but worry about M+D. 2 weeks.

Am in more pain again tonight. Must have taken a vicious back bump in training today (Newport) but seemed to impress Ed and the gang - that's all that matters. Really different to Karl's session. Better in some ways but that's because his style seems to suit me more. Anyway, Justin took me down with a stiff armbar and I guess I wasn't ready for it - felt like my elbow was about to pop out. He's professional enough and I don't really mind. At least I know it's not this month.

Got a lot to sort out this week. Need to see my solicitor tomorrow to take care of matters. Some people just won't learn the easy way. Bring it on guys, you want to do it the hard way? You know where I live.

Void

My chest is killing me. And my abs. Actually all my front is stinging. Went to Sunrays this afternoon to get my chest waxed. I keep forgetting how much it hurts.

Last night's show was class, kudos to Chris for organising it. Definately one of the best I've seen in a while. Ed was on the card, it's always good to catch up with him, I learn so much from the guy. We had a chat after his match and he made me an offer to appear on his show next week in a rumble - man, I almost bit his hand off! Was buzzing about it all night so I made plans to change my workout routine to get as well defined as I can in just over a week, that's why I got waxed today.

I had some ideas for the show so I called him to discuss them - only to find the show isn't the date I thought it would be - it's a few months away. So I went through the pain of waxing for nothing.

Happy days...

Well, not entirely wasted.

Mam and dad are going on their cruise tomorrow - have to admit I'm slightly concerned seeing as they're not insured. Have to be up at 5am to take them to the bus station. Up at 5am this morning, tomorrow morning and probably 6am on sunday when Alyssa decides it's time to get up.

Nice.

Rhymney

You will NEVER get the chance to do that to me again.

Toploading

This evening Alyssa and I were watching tv and during the ad break, an advert for some toy came on and she asked "Daddy, can I have that for Christmas?".

Now bear in mind she was 3 just over a month ago and started school last week so she's becoming a lot more self-aware.

"only if you're a good girl babe" I replied.

"I'm a good girl daddy" was her hasty response. "Well we'll see what Santa says" was my comeback which seemed to satisfy her.

Being this time of year, the next ad was for some toy. "Daddy, can I have that for Christmas please?" she piped up. And we had the same conversation. Ditto the next 2 adverts.

The reason I'm mentioning this is she's never specifically asked for anything for Christmas before. Obviously it's natural for her to come out with that sort of thing but it's a reminder of how she's growing up. She comes out with all sorts of things like that these days, each reminding me that my baby isn't a baby anymore - she's now a young girl. And right now she's sleeping directly above me despite the best efforts of the local chavs who are setting off fireworks.

It's so ironic, looking at Alyssa coming in to being a little person when you compare all this to my father's health. He's been having random nosebleeds for a few weeks now, he's seen 2 specialists and they stopped for a while but they returned and he's seeing a third tomorrow. Mam told me what she thinks it might be and we'll find out more on monday. Hopefully they'll go away on their cruise next week but.....you never know.

Adrenalise

Ever feel like you're playing out a part in a life-long performance? It's as if we go through the motions of a script. Sometimes it's like evrything is pre-planned and we just make our way around it all.

Wednesday's wait becomes today's wait - this is all pretty confusing. With this pain in my jaw I don't know what to think but tonight will still be as normal.

I bought Muse's album the other day, Black Holes and Revelations. It was either that or Snow Patrol's album and I wish I'd gone for that. I wanted Muse because I really liked Starlight but that's about the only track on there I like - maybe it'll grow on me.

C the K keeps on confusing me, not giving me any indication of where I am. Each time I think I get an idea, something changes.

Why do I keep feeling that something big is around the corner?

Friends titles

It's always flattering when someone takes enough interest in you to post your mobile number on the internet - so I've been given a new number. Big up to the guys at Orange, they sorted it out nice and quickly.

Birmingham was good, I enjoyed meeting some of the others, shame there weren't more. I had to leave early because of Alyssa but I hope our paths will cross again. I don't belong there though. I don't belong an any major city - Swansea will do fine.

Wednesday will be a step closer to total connection - I've waited a long time for this. Will they realise their significance to me? I doubt it but once we've made that connection, that'll be me set up for a LONG time.

Ibis

Can't anything happen the way I expect it to? That's not to say things are bad - actually they're good, really good. But I guess life ain't meant to be predictable. That's God for you.....

Pestilence

And as quickly as the rug gets pulled, it gets replaced by the most unlikely source. It's been in front of me for a few months and I never noticed - but putting it that way makes it sound like it wasn't worthy of being noticed and that's not the case at all. It just never occured to me. Is this my last shot at redemption? Could be, given my age.

This is new territory for me. Uncharted land and I'm going to face it full-on. Got to play it right though. I've lost too much to get here for me to throw it away easily.

Alyssa was cool this weekend as usual. I love that little pixie so much. Amazing how this is all connected. Things in life really do seem to have a way of sorting themselves out. Did Thunder get it right all along? We'll see. One thing is for certain - the ingredients are all there. The age, the location....

This week is going to be interesting. Let's see what I achieve by this time next week. What started out as a convenient screen could shape my future.

"Sometimes perception becomes reality".

And on a happier note - I've got swollen glands - well, swollen gland - on the left side of my neck. I mean, what's the point?

Protocol

It really pisses me off the way the rug can be pulled out from under my feet just by one simple action. Nothing anyone has done intentionally but it's one of those things. Something I hoped to leave behind 4 years ago keeps popping back in to my life and biting me on the arse. I really wish I could let go of this - nothing would bring me more pleasure but it lingers on like a bad smell.

It's just something which happened during a really good period of my life and is one of the main events which helped make it such a happy time. Not that I'm miserable now or anything but I was on a mega high then. Mind you at the time I probably couldn't see it. To me it was just 'life' then.

You might have noticed I'm on a bit of a downer today - and I shouldn't be. Well like I said, I was ok until this evening. My new Nike Airs came today, am off to the gym in an hour to try them out - perhaps that'll take my mind off things.

FFS Russ, take some happy pills!


.......excuse me?

Exploits

Energy.

I'm full of it right now. Not just a figure of speech to say I'm cheerful or whatever, but right now I feel REALLY energetic. I'm in work but I want to go for a run. Anyone watching me now would think I'm on speed or something, but I'm not. I've not taken any substance since the crazy summer of 1995 when I used to pop ephedrein (which was legal at the time).

Anyway, it might be a sugar rush as I just had a cuppa with about 5 sugars - don't know why I put so many in, boredom probably. I ordered a pair of new Nike AirMax trainers last night, they'll arrive tomorrow and I'll really be able to work on my cardio. I've surprised myself recently with how well I've progressed, I've decided I've got enough muscle now - I just need to lose a bit of the gut and improve my fitness.

Bridge have asked me to do some more shift next month but I've had to turn them down - I seem to be permanently tired these days and more tech op slots will make matters worse - the studio is so comfortable there I'll probably fall asleep - not quite what I want.

M+D are going away this weekend so I'll be house-sitting - Alex will be down from Kent too so she can help me with Alyssa. That reminds me, 2 weeks today and I'll be back online! Finally! A word of warning to anyone thinking of using TalkTalk for broadband....don't. Absolutely pathetic Customer Services - that's if you can get through to them. They're one of those companies who like to keep customers at arm's length. You know you're dealing with one of those when their automated telephone service (press 1 to get cut off, press 2 to get through to the wrong department etc) have hardly any options to speak to a human and when you do, they're either in Indian or South Africa. Anyway I cacelled with them, sadly too late to have BT broadband straight away: technically I'm still with TalkTalk for 2 weeks but once that's up I can go back to BT and have their internet service.

Really can't wait for tomorrow.

Pharma?

I really need to update this more. A LOT more.

Anyway, it came and went. 16th August - I've now been set free from those 'chains'. In an ideal world I wouldn't really care about it anymore - I did what I did and it stuck with me for 12 monthsonly - but even though I've moved on from that, for some reason I haven't really 'moved on' as much as I hoped I would. That Green Day song still grabs my attention whenever I hear it.

Iona has invited me to her wedding just before Christmas and I'm hoping to go - it'll be odd to watch my old mate getting hitched - happy for her though.

The CW - PPW thing is still ongoing and I hate being caught up in the middle.

A bit of a dilemma for me now - The Wave have made me an offer to return - and it's a good one. Well, not brilliant but better than before. Really not sure if I want to take it though. Actually that's a lie, of course I'd like to take it but I don't know if it's the right time. I have a LOT of things on my plate right now - my life is busy but not in a bad way and I don't know if I really want to change my schedule. I'm slowly getting more direction in my life and for the first time in a long time I'm fairly happy. It'll be a step back up but it'll be reopening old wounds - is it worth it? The money will definately help, as well as being able to work with some old mates. I'll need to think this one over. In the meantime I have CW to think about.

Goffic

Got back in to the gym today, firt time in almost a week. I have until the 26th to work on my cardio.

Dad lent me his car this morning to get to work - the plan was to get the RAC to take my car to the garage from my parents' house but needed to get the afternoon off to arrange it. My supervisor was good enough to grant me the half day at such short notice.

Anyway I managed to get the car to the garage some shape and left it there for their opinion. Turns out I needed new bearings and a wheel cylinder, whole thing cost me £94 which I could have done without but on the brightside it's all working fine now.

My new boots came today, man they're a snug fit. Spose it means they'll give me good ankle support and they'll do for now. Just need to get Workman to send me my shorts and I'll totally mark out.

Brackla

I wasn't able to go to wrestling training tonight - something to do with my rear nearside wheel overtaking me as I went around Hirwaun roundabout.

"How odd" I thought as the very nice alloy hit the kerb, bounced about 15 feet in the air and landed in some thick brambles.

It would have been a very good time for me to grow wings in order to hover over the bushes and retrieve said wheel, however God deemed it unneccessary to give humans the power of natural flight, which put paid to that idea.

No, a more fiendishly clever plan would be required if my quest to attend training tonight was to succeed. From where I was parked (I use that term loosely - 'parked' gives the impression I carefully placed my vehicle at the side of the road when in actual fact I was at an odd angle with one side of the car dragging on the road) the brambles were too thick for me to rescue the alloy. I used harsh language, judo and even a seduction technique but it was no good - I couldn't get past the brambles.

Then all at once, it came to me - walk around the other side of the bushes.

Yes I know - a clever idea of thermonuclear proportions.

I put the plan in to action. After negotiating several sharp bends and fending off the advances of an over-amourous labrador who instantly fell in love with my left leg, I managed to fight my way through the back of the bushes using several holds, reversals and chain techniques taught to me by the very man I was hoping I'd be learning from tonight.

Several jars of jam later, I returned to the scene of devastation, alloy in hand. One look at it told me I would not be driving it tonight. Unpeturbed, I tried anyway.

Why oh why will I never pay attention to common sense??

At this time I decided there was only one thing for it. I had to call in the RAC.

An hour later, bouncing around the corner came the contractor I disturbed on his tea break to help get my car home. I tried conversing with him in German which didn't work seeing as he didn't speak a word of it. The fact I don't either only made matters worse.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I arrived home at 9pm feeling like I've learned one of life's valuable lessons.

Only, I've forgotten what it is.

All together now: "oh happy days...."

Cognitive

Pandora'a box he been opened. I knew what would be in there, I just didn't know what would come out. And it all came out, making a refreshing change. Perhaps that's an indication of what needs to be done? The door being left open? Hmm, perhaps too risky but you never know. Actually I have to be receptive to all ideas right now, you never know which one will fit.

Saw Neil Pugh today - nice to catch up on old times.

Medical reasearch is back but this time I'm doing for my job - no huge amounts of cash involved this time! But maybe after this afternoon's session, huge amounts of cash will no longer be an issue - we'll see.

I bruise easily

I don't believe all good things come to an end. Something things do, some don't. Relationships go wrong sometimes.

When you've had something for a great number of years and it ends, that's not neccessarily the bad part - I say it's the reason which dictates if it's bad or not. It's interesting when you've played a particular role for years and years but when you look back, there's so much which should have happened but for some reaon, didn't.

It's too late to question things now, it won't make any difference. They say the greatest form of flattery is imitation, well let's find out.

Did more Celtic training tonight and my left knee is, well, wrecked. Took a front bump but landed on a split between 2 mats and it smacked on the concrete floor. It's hurting now, it's going to be murder tomorrow.

Looking forward to friday afternoon. Wonder who I should invite to the opening of Pandora's Box?

Mandatory

I reckon life is just a series of peaks and troughs. Regardless of your creed, faith, outlook etc I think this applies to everyone. You only know you're off the peak once you hit the trough and vice versa.

Some people believe they can make their own luck - I reckon that's rubbish. We can't make things go right or wrong for us. We might get a short-term improvement but that's all it is - short-term. It just means the trough journey happens a lot quicker.

The more you chase money, the faster it runs away, in my opinion. We spend too much time desiring things and then complaining when we don't get them. When you're an impatient bastard like me, the day you finally realise that it's just not worth the effort is a massive relief. Life goes on - no matter how hard a situation I've been in has turned out to be, that's been the constant truth. Some situations have appeared to be completely beyond all help - but life goes on.

There's nothing wrong in falling down - it's all about whether you stay down or get back up. Some things make getting back up seem impossible - that's where 'time' comes in to it. Staying down for a while is perfectly acceptable as long as you plan to rise again.

Anyway, time to move on. Need to get boots soon for when I make my debut - but where from? Online they seem to be so expensive, surely somewhere around here will do them cheaper? I don't mind paying around £40 but no more than that.

Blueprint

Any kind of relationship is a two-way thing. Whether it's husband and wife, friend to friend, shop assistant to customer etc.

I don't think you have to return every favour but if someone leans on you a lot and one day you ask them for a favour back (which is well within their capabilities), would you be a bit put out if they refused?

I hope so, because I wouldn't feel paranoid.

The new job is going ok, it's not rocket science but I have a specialist interest in the end product so that's ok. I've also heard something about a 'staff shop' as well.

A year ago this weekend I had the craziest thoughts of my life. I saw more than I should have and it had a mad influence on me for the rest of the day, I really don't think I should go back there, although perhaps it's not my decision. Maybe I expect too much? I rely on people too much? I hope to find out more on the 21st.

In fact I wonder if Pandora's Box will be opened on the 21st. I have so much to tell - I'll need to make notes all next week. I'm surprised it's taken almost a year to come around, still that's the nature of the beast I guess. Will it be the 'answer' I've been looking for for more than 20 years? Will it signal a return for RB? Now that would be a turn up for the books.

I reckon a nice long drive is needed - Darlington sounds cool.

Miss Mckenzie

I really need to update this more.

So I'm now 32 - wow. Had a tattoo a few days after my birthday, I now have Alyssa's initials on my left inner forearm. I'm also using a Nokia 6280 on 3 - cracking bit of kit. Bay View has finally shut, and all my dj kit is locked in there. Not good.

Looks like I came close to an almost repeat of last summer - that's not so good. Still can't relax completely and the problem is I don't know how long it will take but that's just one of those things. Quid pro quo.

Alyssa's birthday next month, I can't believe it's happened all so quickly. Still not sure what sort of party we'll do but it'll be one to remember.

My car is coming along nicely, just need the wheels balanced, the engine tuned and a full valet - being a member of SW-CC gives me some cool discounts. When my cheque comes from John next week I'll book it in for the lot.

Intensive

Exactly 12 months ago, to the minute, I was down the beach with Louise. Hiding the inevitable, putting it to the back of my mind, knowing I had to deal with it but for those precious few minutes, it didn't exist.

So what's happened in the last 12 months? Well, THAT of course, plus the Bay View - I can't believe I'm still there. What was meant to be a stop-gap has developed in to what I am today.

I've also developed and deepened my relationship with Alyssa, really really happy at that. Little tinker as she is! There's also the King Street story, what a waste of time, I learned a LOT from all that, stuff I wish I didn't have to have learned but am glad I did.

The Bay View has lead me to be involved with CW and PPW which I'm really grateful for, interesting to see where this leads me. Of course there's the gym too which I need to increase my intensity with.

I've picked up probably the best car I've ever had. The thing with my old Rover was although it was more of a 'grown up' car, that wasn't really my style. It served its purpose, it was a pretty good car but now I've got the Scort, I'm a total mark over it.

I've also made contact with some old friends - funnily enough it meant their true colours came out - and Hoppo, don't think I've forgotten about that £20 you owe me. Yeah, the £20 for the flowers I sent on your behalf? "No offence but I don't owe you anything" indeed?

Also fell victim to 'big girl syndrom' for the 200th time this year. Never again. Ever.

So what can I look forward to in my 32nd year? Flo for a start, she's coming monday. Got a feeling I'm going to getting up to stuff with my car - I really want to play around with it, get it looking the shiznit. I'm hoping I hit the ring with CW within the next few months - I get the feeling it'll be with them before I start with PPW but we'll wait and see.

The end of the beginning?

I just cannot relax this summer due to what happened last year. It was around about now in 2005 that I heard about it. I keep expecting something like it to crop up again but from where? I can't see how. But it feels like it will.

Had ANOTHER dream about the Merthyr girl last night, I wish she'd get out of my mind. I don't want her in there.

Anyway I've started making waves with PPW and Celtic which is good. I hope to complete my journey sometime this year, probably by the autumn but who knows. It'll be good to see such a long (almost 25 years?) journey come to an end.

My fees from The Sun should arrive next week, possibly the week after and I'm REALLY looking forward to it. Then I'll get Tusky's car and maybe the Nokia N80 too, but I have to get hold of my replacement driving license as well. In fact I'd better get a few photos for it this week.

By the way Cath - they really don't need to know about all this - but I WILL tell you what it's about.

The Aftermath.

Well I certainly wasn't expecting THAT. I had no idea how serious the matter was, and I came worryingly close to a repeat of last August - in fact it could have been worse.

I now need to stay on THIS path. I simply cannot afford to slip up.

Speaking of which, Mam and Dad went on holiday this morning for a week so I stayed at their for a while today and I found a note shoved through the door which also brought back disturbing memories of last year. I think I've taken care of it though - in 7 days I should be clear.

It's like these things come to me in waves. From experience, I'd say this isn't over yet.

Went to my first Celtic training session tonight. I'm impressed, got some good moves out of the way. I'm in a LOT of pain tonight though but it's worth it. Just need to work on my cardio now. Was sweating like a pig when I left and as I'm typing this, I'm shaking like a shitting dog. All good though.

Oh and by the way, my radio career seems to be over. Nice.

August 2005

I treat each year as a series of events - something like a race which needs to be run on an annual basis. I often look back at these series of events with positive nostalgia. Some years were great, other were awful. The funny thing about my teens was odd-numbered years were really good, (ie 1987, 1989, 1991, 1993, 1995) and conversely the years inbetween were more disappointing. I can't give any reasons as to why this seemed to be the case but over an 8 or 9 year gap, I certainly noticed it.

2005 will go down in my history as a bad year for me. To go from such a high (April/May) to the lowest point of my life (the rest of the summer until the end of August) gave me such a rollercoaster of emotions that I never ever want to go there again. I lost so much in that short space of time, and I'm still feeling the ramifications of it today. Specifically today, as it has returned to bite me on the arse, albeit in a small way.

Interestingly it's always good when a counter-worry comes along and distracts you...

Confessions

A few months ago I found a lump on the top of my back. At first I thought it was a zit but I found out it was flesh coloured. It didn't really bother me until last night when I felt it again and realised it had doubled in size. I was particularly worried because I've been using the sunbed lately.

I went to the out-of-hours surgery last night and the doctor told me it was a sebacious cyst - nothing to worry about.

PPW is coming along nicely, it's only taken me 20 years! I've managed to arrange the contract signing between Jack Starr and Matt Vaughn will take place live on Chris Blumer's Late Night Lock-in this coming tuesday!

The Bay View saga continues, the new buyers came in on wednesday, they're really serious. If all this goes through (and I've got no reason to think otherwise) then the place will be unrecognisable and I'm really looking forward to being part of that. But do I want to limit myself to it though? That's something I need to think about.

Saw an old work colleague last week. Mark Wood from BT. He was my supervisor when I was there and you'll never meet a more incompetent David Brent-like manager. No people-skills whatsoever. He's the type of TL who uses the 'naughty chair' tactic for people who don't perform well. And you cannot tell him he's wrong - oh no, that just can't happen.

Jaguar

I've always had trouble in letting go of the past. I'm pretty happy with life at the moment so why the past keeps popping up is a mystery.

Been chatting today to a girl (she's actually a 31 year old woman now) who I used to have a relationship with when I was 15. Looking back she was offering me so much love and affection and being the idiot I was, I had no idea and ended up hurting her very much by my ignorance of her feelings.

For some unknown reason she insisted on staying friends with me even after our messy split - and I'm glad she did. She stayed in touch with my parents and finally worked around my stubborness. We've stayed in contact ever since and we've met up a few times. Funnily enough I wouldn't go with her again. She's very beautiful and very sexy but it just wouldn't feel right. In any case we are both very different people to who we were back in in 1989.

AfanFM goes live in a few months, in fact at the end of the summer. I really need to concentrate on that. In fact I have a lot of things I need to be concentrating on. PPW is another. I'm determined to get in to all this. I've also got a trip up Ben Nevis that I need to arrange.

I need a PA.....

Trajectory

I'm under enormous pressure to conform. Sometimes I want to, other times I could not really be bothered. Life has a habit of throwing situations at you where you're faced with 2 very different options and you know which one you should chose but for some reason you take the other, knowing you'll end up on your arse.

Do I start things that I don't intend to finish? In some circumstances yes, I think it's ok to do that. They say you can drag a horse to the lake but you can't make it drink...that sums up my current situation.

I'm not all that concerned when people have already made up their mind about me - if they can't be bothered to look a little deeper at the real person then I don't want to waste my time with them - either shit or get off the toilet.

I don't suppose you have any ideas what I'm bipping about - no I wouldn't have thought that you do, it's just I have 1001 thoughts swirling around in my head and this is just one way of releasing them. Actually there is one person who knows what this is all about. They will know what I'm trying to say. Remember that day we went to Kenfig Pool to feed the ducks but none of the little buggers would come to us? Remember the way you totally overeacted the same day when I went into a shop to get coke and didn't ask you if you wanted one?

Well I remember it all - and I wish I didn't. Get the hell out of my head please.

Allure

Fakes. I really dislike fakes.

On CableForum we have a lot of fakes. There are men who pretend to be women. There are women who go overboard with supposed male fantasies just to have attention. I always spot them a mile off and when I bust them they always respond in the same way. I won't explain what it is they do as I'm sure they'll change their responses in future but it's never let me down yet.

Why do they do this? Usually when I bust them I get a reply which includes "ha ha, it was only a joke anyway" which translates as "ah s**t, you found me out - I don't know how you did it but to save face I'll pretend it was just a wind-up".

Really annoyed that I couldn't go on my trip this week - I'm hoping to next week though. I've waited a long time for this.

Hoppo

I am in pain. My whole body is screaming. I feel like I've been hit by a lorry.

Did my first PPW training session with Ed Ferris yesterday in Newport which was really intense. I'm glad I've been working out - I wouldn't have survived it otherwise. Still he pushed us really far and I learned a lot. Next session is 16th April and I'm looking forward to it.

Just before Christmas last year I had an email out of the blue from an ex girlfriend of mine, Clare. I went out with her some time in 2002 for a few month but it all ended a bit messily. At the time it appeared to be all my fault but certain things kept cropping up which just didn't seem right. Putting them all together I can see I was being taken for a ride while having it look like I was the bad guy. Basically double standards.

As a result I was left with a lot of unanswered questions. Anyway about 18 months ago I stumbled upon her profile on Friends Reunited and thought I'd extend her an olive branch as there's no point in holding grudges forever. I heard nothing for more than a year and out of the blue she replied to it in december. She seemed surprised to hear from me but seemed quite cordial.

Seems like she had some unanswered questions too - it didn't take long for her to ask me something which looks like it had been on her mind for a few years too. I had no problem in answering it - I went in to great detail too.

And then.......nothing. Didn't hear a thing from her. In my last email I asked her a few things about how life is treating her now but she didn't reply.

I'd forgotten about all that until saturday afternoon when I went to my parents' house and they asked me to clear out their caravan as they might be going away at the end of the month and I found my scrapbook of old photos and I found the only picture in existence of Claire and I, it was taken in a photobooth in Merthyr. It made me wonder if she was still about.....and it also reminded me of some of the unanswered questions I had.

I emailed her over the weekend and asked if she was still around and this morning I had a reply basically telling me she didn't see any point in carrying on with our correspondence.

See what I mean? Back in december she was happy enough to chat to me because she had questions for me, but as soon as she had them answered she doesn't feel the need to continue the chat.

Double standards. I guess some things just never change.

Funnily enough, Natasha doesn't live too far from her - "about 26 minutes" or so I'm told. Wouldn't it be fun if I bumped in to her, no doubt I'll be accused of stalking! This of course would be regardless of the fact that my girl lives in the area....

The Hoff

Heat! Hot water! I have both!

The plumber had to come yesterday morning to complete the new boiler install - well actually he just had to change the gas pipes as they weren't the right thickness or something. In any case he's fixed it, which means we're back to normal now.

Got my PPW training on sunday which I'm really really looking forward to. Well - it's different I suppose.

Had my first workout in a week yesterday, it's amazing how paranoid you can get about losing shape. I don't think I have anything to worry about though.

Prickly

Day 3 in the Big Freeze house, and Russ is still without heat or hot water.

Honestly it's like something out of Laurel and Hardy.

On Sunday morning the boiler packed up completely - the pilot light would not stay on for more than 5 seconds. Found a plumbing site online where the guys advised me it could be the thermocouple. I phoned my landlord on sunday afternoon who said he'd get the guy who last inspected it to come down the next morning (monday) to have a look. That was great, so I asked him to leave a message on my voicemail to let me know what time the guy was coming.

I went to work at 6pm.

Got home at 11:30pm - no voicemail. Was the plumber coming or not?

The following morning I called my landlord to find out if the guy was coming. No answer, left a message on his voicemail. By 10:30 he hadn't called back to I called my own plumber in to have a look - he was coming at 6:30. He was good - but diagnosed that the boiler was leaking fumes and basically the whole system needed replacing. I called my landlord to tell him this and asked if my plumber should go ahead and work on it. He said no, he wanted his own guy to do it.

I thanked the plumber for coming and apologised for wasting his time. The plumber was due to come this morning. So that's another day without heat/hot water.

Their guy came this morning at 10am. He took one look and refused to touch the boiler.

You see, under "plumber's law", the last person to touch the boiler becomes responsible for it, and seeing as my guy had a look yesterday, the second plumber apparently could not touch it (why? What would happen? Would killer rabbits descend from the heavens and take over the world??) so he make a hasty exit.

Called my landlord AGAIN and he sent out the guy who last serviced the boiler. 3 hours later a chubby plumber with an arse cleavage to rival any builder turned up. Anyway when a bloke has got such an impressive example of builder's bum/constructor's crack/labourer's line, you just got to look at it, haven't you? You can't take your eyes off it. I felt like inviting the neighbours around to have a look too - "Mrs Winton? Quick, come around and have a look at this - honestly it's like the Grand Canyon".

Anyway, arse-cleavage had a look and potched about with it and replaced the sodding thermocouple - and guess what - my boiler started working!!!

Honestly, if I was gay I would have kissed him.

My luck wasn't going to last though. Apparently the fumes from the ventilation were leaking back in to the house and it would have been illegal for him to leave with it still like that so he shut the boiler down, removed the fuse and said he'd be back tomorrow to sort out the ventilation.

So yes, ANOTHER day without any heat or hot water.

Still, at least tomorrow I'll be able to have warmth? Have a bath? Wash my dishes?

Yeah?? Yeah!!!!

No actually.

Tonight my landlord called and told me they've decided to have the boiler replaced. Which is a TWO DAY JOB.

So I have to wait until THURSDAY until I get hot water and heating.

One word:

Bugger.

Thrombosis

Got my arse down the gym again this morning and had a fairly average workout - I really need Louise to come with me, she's excellent motivation.

Natasha.....interesting. Intelligent. Endearing. Warm. Approachable. Funny. Good conversation.

My boiler is playing up today - the pilot light won't stay on and I've got no heat, although there does seem to be hot water. Alyssa is ok - she's in bed and my electric blanket is keeping her warm. Need to get a plumber out tomorrow. You can bet it'll cost a packet.

My hours are going up at work next week, although I won't be doing evening gigs which means I'll be performing to about 7 people. Still, it's more money I suppose. Do I stay there and keep treading water or do I swim out to sea where the waves might be bigger but then again the sun might be warmer?

Natasha....spontanious. Fascinating. Enchanting. Witty.

People are starting to notice I'm looking a bit darker now - sunbooth twice this week! Might leave it for a week or so now though, I was stinging for longer than I should have.

Am I really vain as Pia reckons? Don't think so, I just want to look good - nothing wrong with that surely?

Finger biscuits

Really screwed my neck up in the gym on monday - I was doing an upright-row when I could feel my Traps (the bit between your neck and shoulder) giving way, it was a sharpe, shooting pain and I had to stop there.

I've been making such great gains lately that I really didn't want to disrupt my training schedule but I was in a lot of pain. I had difficulty turning my head to the left and also looking straight up but I guessed it was nothing more than a muscle strain.

I went to the gym on wednesday and I did my usual routine apart from anything which worked my traps - and I felt fine afterwards. It's still a little painful now but it's getting better.

AfanFM is looking like the launch will take place in November now instead of September. There's an RSL in August which Craig (the Station Manager) has kindly allowed me to work - this is my chance to show what I've got.

Went in the tanning booth yesterday, still feeling a little tingly today, better leave off it for a week or two. Don't want to leave it too long as my visitor should be coming soon....

Knees?

I love it when I start a new blog, say I'm going to keep it up then leave it for 2 months.

Put on a load of weight recently and it's all muscle, which is good. Starting to develop a good shape now - finally. Still got loads of work to do.

Anyway, I'm finally out of the Indian house. No longer do my clothes stink of curry. No longer am I woken up at 7am by people talking in their own language VERY loudly. No longer is my food eaten or stuff used by people who don't ask first. Apparently they weren't happy that I left without giving them any notice but that's their problem. I signed no tennancy agreement. I wasn't given a rent book. It wasn't official, they wouldn't even register me for council tax.

Ah who cares. The last 7 months were convenient but in no way pleasant. I won't ever be doing that again.

I love my new place. Just perfect for me and Alyssa and she now stays with me each weekend, not at my parents' house which is how we'd been doing things for over a year. It was great with them around but wasn't really doing much to develop a bond between her and I, plus she's a handful (as any 2-and-a-half year old is) and with my parents' health not getting any better, she was a bit of a strain on them, so by having Alyssa here we're talking the pressure off them.

I still take her down there for an hour or so though.

The Bay View saga continues. Rumours of closure keep circulating but the doors stay open. Never had a job like this before, it's very easy. Well, I say easy - what I mean is I really enjoy it, it's more like socialising than working. Some really good people there but also some I don't trust. Spose that keeps me on my toes really.

Went back to the Wave last week - chatting to my mate Chris Blumer the other day and he asked me to come back for one night only - I kind of missed the 'old gang' of Chris, Diane and Pete Lazarus and myself so I decided to give it a go. I think the old chemistry was still there as we bantered on air like the old days which was good. Still, I won't be making a habit of doing that - I think I burned too many bridges and in any case I'm sure Chris is happy with his new formula for his show. Plus I have AfanFM to concentrate on now.

I have to sharpen my presenting skills too, I've been rusty for a while and I have to be 100% on top of my game.

Can't help thinking something big is about to happen. And big doesn't always mean good as last August demonstrated.

Pia-no

Why do some poeple insist on taking the piss?

Tonight I was booked til 11pm. If I go past that it's £100 per hour. Expensive? Yes but I do a hell of a show. Anyway in tonight's gig I was ripped off. Can't be bothered to go in to detail but the guy who was supposed to pay me my overtime disappeared early. Scumbag. One day our paths will cross and I'll kick his arse.

So what's new? Dad is getting a bit better with his limited mobility, well, he's getting more used to it anyway. Mam worries about him far too much. I bought him a mobile phone in case he goes out and takes a tumble so he can call someone to come and get him but he leaves it at home most of the time...

I've made a cool new friend - Pia.

Why does she have to live in the north of nowhere????