It's back.

Oh yes, it's back. It has returned.

But then again, maybe I have too.

It really really really could happen

I went somewhere today that I'd not been to in more than 14 years.

St Joseph's Catholic Church in Port Talbot is where I used to go every sunday until I was 18, always dragged along by my mother. Well not physically dragged but emotionally I suppose. Catholicism never really had much of an attraction for me. I always believed of course but the way the whole thing was set-up.....put it this way - my mother told me until I hit the age of 18, I was to go to church each sunday.

And on June 11 1992 I legally became an adult. Guess what I never went back to.

Until today. Some distance family member's grandchild was being baptised (my mother's side of the family are more Catholic than the pope) and seeing as I had Alyssa today, I was asked to go along and I thought it would be nice for her to meet more of the family, especially the kids.

And what a wash-out it was. I've never been particularly close to many of my mother's side of the family and this afternoon reinforced that. So I've made the decision I should have made months ago. I'm going to meet everyone on my father's side. Sally's been about for more than a year and she's the key. She's the doorway to Porthcawl. Who knows who's out there? I've got to meet them all. Find out who they are.

It won't please everyone but I'm not letting that stop me.

Anyway, the church looked exactly the same as it has done for as far back as I can remember. I had all these wierd thoughts as I walked about in there, such as the last time I was in that place I had hair - I was working for the Police - Nim was around - I couldn't drive - all these elements of nostalgia came back.

Am I living in the past? Or the now?

Where joy should reign, these skies restrain

I hate having a cold. I'm not talking about this 'man-flu' bollocks. I've got a cold, plain and simple. It's not bad enough to keep me off work but it does interfere with my day. I can't go to the gym or training, I'm feeling really shitty all day. Sleeping isn't easy either - I've got a blocked nose so I'm asleep with my mouth open and I wake up with a sore throat. I'm hoping to get some decent kip tonight so I've taken Night Nurse and I'm just going to keep on going til that kicks in.

It's just the way I'm feeling

Andrew Lloyd Webber reckons cats have got 3 names. The name their owners give them, the name other cats give them, and the name they call themselves.

So basically the whole feline population of the world has a mild identity crisis. No wonder they scream so loud while they're getting jiggy wid' it. What is it about my garden which attracts all of Port Talbot's cats? Is there a large neon sign overhead in cat language saying "Top Karzie and Nookie spot here"?

Anyway, back to the names. Tiddles might have got 3 - I've got 5. I'm Russ David. But I'm also Rob Sterling. Occasionally I'm Rex Everything. In the past I was Alan Ravenhill. And once upon a time I was Russell Burt.

My counsellor has a field day with me. Luckily only one of the personalities manifests itself at any one time.

One of these days I'll write something interesting in this here blog of mine.

Cryptic time? OK.

BVSMP. That's the reality. Or do I?

The cold has a voice, it talks to me

Codes, puzzles, clues, cryptic words, I use them all the time in this here blog. I feel more comfortable like that. This way, you dear reader only know what I chose to let you work out. I'm sorry if that makes me sound snobby - I don't mean it but there are things I don't want people talking about.

So why do I post them on the WWW? Because I haven't got the patience to write a diary. This is the closest I get. Plus from the comments I get left by you guys, seems like one or two of you (ok, perhaps BOTH of you..) enjoy trying to work out what the hell I'm bipping on about half the time.

Pia. 143.

Anyway, I need to stop being cryptic and Pia, without realising it, is helping me. Don't expect miracles, changes like these don't happen overnight. But it's a step in the right direction.

The Wave want me back next week for 2 shows - not sure if I'll take them, I have to let them know tomorrow.

I'm really impressed with the help and advice I've had from Chris Petherwick and Matt Vaughn ovr the weekend, I'm hoping I can really raise my game with those two on my side.

I thought that you'd be here by now

It's amazing how you find the answer to things in the most unlikely of places. Sometimes younger, more naive people can be the most insightful because they don't have any preconceived ideas.

Was chatting to a friend of mine tonight - well, she's not really a friend, she's only 17 and goes to wrestling training so I see her there occasionally. Was chatting to her while I was watching The Butterfly Effect and something she said made it all come together.

I now know what I have to do to get rid of the memories of Merthyr Girl.(http://russdaviduk.blogspot.com/2006/10/wastelands.html)

I'm not going to say as it's personal, really personal. Watch the film to have an idea. Or maybe you won't see it. Doesn't really bother me at all because this one is mine. This runs deep and it'll be great to get rid of it.

OK I have one niggling doubt but perhap it's just circumstantial. Anyway this is the closest I've ever been to establishing true inner peace with regards to this whole sorry mess.

What it's like to be me

If I'm in a shop ready to pay for things and I head to the tills, I absolutely positively guarantee the till I get to will be the slowest. Every time. There can be loads of reasons why my queue will be held up. Usually it's...

• The item that the customer is paying for is something that the new kid on the till has never seen before and needs to call the supervisor.
• Out of all the people in the queue, the assistant choses the moment I get to the till to do a drop. Which of course, requires the supervisor. Who is on a fag break.
• Just as the person in front of me gets to the till, the assistant finds out he/she hasn't got any change, so calls the supervisor to bring some. And the supervisor is 'upstairs'.
• Someone in front of me has an item which "won't scan" - so the till jockey needs to "call the supervisor". Who is currently dealing with someone else.
• Continuing from the above, the supervisor arrives and send the till jockey to go and find an itentical product to see if that will scan. But till jockey cannot find where the items are on the shelf.
• The person at the front of the queue decides to pay for their items entirely in pennies
• The person at the front of the queue decided they have the exact change at the bottom of their bag and will NOT move until they find it (what is it with women being obsessed with finding the exact change??)
• In Tesco you have those 'self scanning' tills. And of course when I'm in a hurry, the person using it has "never used it before and isn't sure what to do". Read the screen, doofus!

No, I'm not paranoid, honest.

Wastelands part 2

OK I've woken up properly now. It's not fair what I said about Merthyr Girl this morning.

We split up because of something I did. She was studying in London and came back to South Wales quite often, sometimes each week. Each time she came home she split her time between seeing me and spending time with her family and friends. On one occasion, a mate of hers asked her to come out for a spin in his father's car, a smart Alpha Romeo T-Spark, a car I knew she liked. She hadn't seen this mate in a while but she chose to spend the day with me instead.

That says a LOT about her I think.

The problem is some things just didn't add up towards the end. I loved her, despite having some odd ways of showing it. But I stress - I loved her - past tense. I'm long over her, but I think the reason I dream about her now and then is because I didn't get closure on a lot of things.

Lots of questions are still unanswered.

Yeah it was 4 years ago but they've niggled away in the back of my brain since then. If I get these question answered then I can put the whole thing to bed forever, and man I'm looking forward to that.

Wastelands

I'm all busted up
Broken bones and nasty cuts
Accidents will happen
But this time I can't get up
She comes to check on me
Making sure I'm on my knees
After all she's the one
Who put me in this state

Is she ultra-violent?
Is she disturbed?
I better tell her that I love her
Before she does it all over again
Oh god, she's killing me!!!

For now I'll lie around
hell, that's all I can really do
She takes good care of me
Just keep saying my love is true

Is she ultra-violent?
Is she disturbed?
I better tell her that I love her
Before she does it all over again
Oh god, she's killing me!!!

Looking out my window for
Someone that's passing by
No one knows I'm locked in here
All I do is cry

For now I'll lie around
hell, that's all I can really do
She takes good care of me
Just keep saying my love is true


Pulling Teeth - Green Day.

Dreamt of the Merthyr girl again last night. Why? Why won't she get out of my mind? She's nothing to me anymore, she hasn't been anything to me in a long, long time. Maybe her being in my dream symbolised someone else seeing as I spend more time in Merthyr these days. I just wish she'd be wiped from my mind. Why am I even bothering with all this? She's an insignificant person from a significant time of my life.

2002 was a defining year for me in so many ways. Those magical days from June to November were amazing - I'll never see days like them again. Not sure of the specific dates but I can remember when it started and finished - it began the day I moved in to Talbot Road and ended the day the camera crew left. Who and what I am today was defined by those 5 months. I made mistakes and of course I learned from them, right?

Wrong.

Punch and Pie

This is who I am....this is what I do. I've waited 25 years for this moment. My quarter-century dream was realised last night. Was good of Kim to come with me and do the business for me, she did a good job considering the tools she was given weren't the best. Anyway, it worked.

And I'm in amazing pain this morning. My jaw feels like I've been smacked hard - I can't close my mouth fully. I've got rope burns on my back but that's not so bad. Got a cut just above my left elbow which is stinging like nuts.

How long will she hang in there for? I'm not thinking about it.

Last night showed me what I should be doing about this whole mess. Drop it. Leave it alone. It isn't going to work. And that's going to be tough. But I WILL drop it.