Jaguar

I've always had trouble in letting go of the past. I'm pretty happy with life at the moment so why the past keeps popping up is a mystery.

Been chatting today to a girl (she's actually a 31 year old woman now) who I used to have a relationship with when I was 15. Looking back she was offering me so much love and affection and being the idiot I was, I had no idea and ended up hurting her very much by my ignorance of her feelings.

For some unknown reason she insisted on staying friends with me even after our messy split - and I'm glad she did. She stayed in touch with my parents and finally worked around my stubborness. We've stayed in contact ever since and we've met up a few times. Funnily enough I wouldn't go with her again. She's very beautiful and very sexy but it just wouldn't feel right. In any case we are both very different people to who we were back in in 1989.

AfanFM goes live in a few months, in fact at the end of the summer. I really need to concentrate on that. In fact I have a lot of things I need to be concentrating on. PPW is another. I'm determined to get in to all this. I've also got a trip up Ben Nevis that I need to arrange.

I need a PA.....

Trajectory

I'm under enormous pressure to conform. Sometimes I want to, other times I could not really be bothered. Life has a habit of throwing situations at you where you're faced with 2 very different options and you know which one you should chose but for some reason you take the other, knowing you'll end up on your arse.

Do I start things that I don't intend to finish? In some circumstances yes, I think it's ok to do that. They say you can drag a horse to the lake but you can't make it drink...that sums up my current situation.

I'm not all that concerned when people have already made up their mind about me - if they can't be bothered to look a little deeper at the real person then I don't want to waste my time with them - either shit or get off the toilet.

I don't suppose you have any ideas what I'm bipping about - no I wouldn't have thought that you do, it's just I have 1001 thoughts swirling around in my head and this is just one way of releasing them. Actually there is one person who knows what this is all about. They will know what I'm trying to say. Remember that day we went to Kenfig Pool to feed the ducks but none of the little buggers would come to us? Remember the way you totally overeacted the same day when I went into a shop to get coke and didn't ask you if you wanted one?

Well I remember it all - and I wish I didn't. Get the hell out of my head please.

Allure

Fakes. I really dislike fakes.

On CableForum we have a lot of fakes. There are men who pretend to be women. There are women who go overboard with supposed male fantasies just to have attention. I always spot them a mile off and when I bust them they always respond in the same way. I won't explain what it is they do as I'm sure they'll change their responses in future but it's never let me down yet.

Why do they do this? Usually when I bust them I get a reply which includes "ha ha, it was only a joke anyway" which translates as "ah s**t, you found me out - I don't know how you did it but to save face I'll pretend it was just a wind-up".

Really annoyed that I couldn't go on my trip this week - I'm hoping to next week though. I've waited a long time for this.

Hoppo

I am in pain. My whole body is screaming. I feel like I've been hit by a lorry.

Did my first PPW training session with Ed Ferris yesterday in Newport which was really intense. I'm glad I've been working out - I wouldn't have survived it otherwise. Still he pushed us really far and I learned a lot. Next session is 16th April and I'm looking forward to it.

Just before Christmas last year I had an email out of the blue from an ex girlfriend of mine, Clare. I went out with her some time in 2002 for a few month but it all ended a bit messily. At the time it appeared to be all my fault but certain things kept cropping up which just didn't seem right. Putting them all together I can see I was being taken for a ride while having it look like I was the bad guy. Basically double standards.

As a result I was left with a lot of unanswered questions. Anyway about 18 months ago I stumbled upon her profile on Friends Reunited and thought I'd extend her an olive branch as there's no point in holding grudges forever. I heard nothing for more than a year and out of the blue she replied to it in december. She seemed surprised to hear from me but seemed quite cordial.

Seems like she had some unanswered questions too - it didn't take long for her to ask me something which looks like it had been on her mind for a few years too. I had no problem in answering it - I went in to great detail too.

And then.......nothing. Didn't hear a thing from her. In my last email I asked her a few things about how life is treating her now but she didn't reply.

I'd forgotten about all that until saturday afternoon when I went to my parents' house and they asked me to clear out their caravan as they might be going away at the end of the month and I found my scrapbook of old photos and I found the only picture in existence of Claire and I, it was taken in a photobooth in Merthyr. It made me wonder if she was still about.....and it also reminded me of some of the unanswered questions I had.

I emailed her over the weekend and asked if she was still around and this morning I had a reply basically telling me she didn't see any point in carrying on with our correspondence.

See what I mean? Back in december she was happy enough to chat to me because she had questions for me, but as soon as she had them answered she doesn't feel the need to continue the chat.

Double standards. I guess some things just never change.

Funnily enough, Natasha doesn't live too far from her - "about 26 minutes" or so I'm told. Wouldn't it be fun if I bumped in to her, no doubt I'll be accused of stalking! This of course would be regardless of the fact that my girl lives in the area....