Sade, dire moi

I'm close to crashing again. I can feel it coming, all the signs are there. I'll be very surprised if I make it through the next 2 weeks without repercussions on some scale. And the worst thing is I'm so helpless about it, I can only stand back and let it happen.

Black eye is still there looking awesome. Haven't had one of these in years so I'd forgotten how painful they are. Still, it gets me noticed at work.

What's really unusual is Andrea at work looks so much like Tina, it's worrying. She's not related to her, which is good.

My ebay stuff came this week, signed picture of Wayne Rooney, Nojia 6280, and nokia charger. Great story about the 6280 - it's stolen. I couldn't get it to work so I contacted TMobile who confirmed it's blacklisted. I should get my money back off the seller in the next few days.

The sirens are screaming and the fires are howling

I sit here typing this as a man in pain. Last night I worked for NWA Wales at the Burleigh Academy in Newport in the Battle Royal. It was good to be in the ring with so many talented people but man they were stiff. Mike Bird got in a few nasty chops and a wicked headbutt which I'm still feeling right now and big Ryan clotheslined me in to the corner so hard, a shot of pain flew through my back so badly that I couldn't move for about a minute.

Also in the show somewhere, I managed to take knock just below my left kneecap which is a major weakspot on my body. I woke up this morning a massive bruise there as well as an awesome limp.

Anyway went along to the Celtic show this afternoon and before we started, Chris Recall and myself were messing about in the ring, trying out new moves etc, but instead he suddenly decided it would be a shoot fight (without telling me) and twisted my knee so badly that for about 20 minutes I couldn't put weight on that leg, which was really irresponsible and very unprofessional of him. I like Chris but he was an arsehole for doing that and if I had any suspicions that he did it on purpose, I'd have sparked him out myself. Later on in the show, during the Rumble Justin Johnson caught me with an uppercut forearm to my left eyebrow so hard that I saw stars and was in intense pain. Luckily Thomas Bassey picked me up and chucked me out of the ring quickly as I could have got seriously hurt had I stuck around.

So here I am with a swollen knee and swollen eyebrow along with a black eye which looks like I've just applied black eye shadow.

Was good to see Vicki at last night's show. She needs to come more often.

Out the door just in time, head down the A465

Life has got a wierd habit of presenting you with the things you've wait for your whole life but at the worst possible time. You then get demoralised as you think you'll never get your chance.

My new contract arrived this morning. All the paperwork was there, no need for me to complete it yet, I'll take it along on monday.

Why am I so nervous about monday? This is ideal for me, I've been waiting for this for years, it'll take me back to 2001 but that's irrelevant. The distance is a bit of a downer but I won't let that stop me. In any case I can do something proactive about that.

Anyway, the Tropical Warrior is over. Enter....Guidance ;)

Remember when we were such fools, and so convinced and just too cool

So many changes, it's hard to keep up with them.

Back in the summer I was a mobile DJ at a social club which suddenly closed down. Although I had a bit of money behind me, I wanted the security of a regular income so I went out and grabbed the first job I could find. I know one or two of you have some kind of perverse interest in my private stuff so I'll throw you a lifeline - I've been working for www.cultech.co.uk since June in the factory office. It's been alright I suppose, good money and good people but it's just not 'me' - but I'm a slave to convention and I hit my comfort zone so I've stuck with them.

The other day I saw what looked like a dead cool job advertised. I went for the interview in the morning and by 3pm they'd called me back and asked me to start on monday - very surprised at that.

So on to a new chapter in my life - and I've got a feeling this is going to be good. I guarantee you've heard of the company I'm going to work for and quite possibly you're a customer of theirs. It's ironic where the place is based but that's not really something I'm bothered about. I'm just happy to be back in this line of work again.

I get one or two comments here asking about the titles of my blog entries - it's quite simple, they're all song lyrics. Sometimes the title is something to do with how I'm feeling, other times it's a song I've heard throughout the day, other times it's a cryptic message. But don't waste too much time over it - most of the time they're completely random.

Which reality-tv show contestant will I be wrestling on saturday for Celtic Wrestling?

And I don't want the world to see me

After 9 years and 10 months, I am now Russell Burt again. Did the legal business this afternoon, it's all official.

Today's family meet has been put off til tomorrow as only Robbie would have been able to come and only for about an hour. Sally called to say tomorrow afternoon would be better as Rob, John and Andrew will be coming. I couldn't say no to that, the only downside is Cathy might not be able to come but she wants this as much as me so she'll do her best to be there.

Dad's got NO idea what's coming!

On another topic, a word of advice for anyone thinking of joining Talk Talk's broadband service.

Don't.

Nobody I'd rather be

Tonight I'm high. So high. I've never been higher and nothing is going to bring me back down.

No, not drugs.

All going well, tonight is the last time I'll be Russ David. I should be changing my name tomorrow. I've arranged a family get-together and I'm really looking forward to it. Sadly not all the gang can be there but it'll be a start. I'm determined to get everyone together soon.

Need to get things back on track - I'm existing, not living, and I don't want that. Maybe this will give me the release I want. In anycase it'll give me a surge of strength I didn't know I had.

MSN - be careful who you talk about on there - it can get back to them.

This time of year I always get memories of autumn/winter 2002 - the video for Holly Valance's Naughty Girl, traffic outside, coming in from ntl, candle kit, getting ready to go to america, the weather, it all comes back to me at this time of year, not that I'm complaining - it was a really happy time for me. Also the documentary was filmed during those days too - as well as the Glynneath incident. All in all, some great times.

Why does my heart feel so bad?

One year ago today I started this blog. Crazy stuff. I can't believe half the stupid crap I've been up to. And do I learn? Don't be daft.

August 2005 has well and truly returned but on a smaller scale. I'm as sure as I can be that it won't be as serious but that's no real consolation - I don't want this hanging over my head at Christmas. This is it, I just knew it would come back. I should have known I wasn't entirely rid of it.

May as well just enjoy having my family and supportive friends around me.

I'll get through this.

Love put me wise to her love in disguise

You think you know me. You see 10% of my personality online and decide you know enough about me to form an accurate opinion. How can you say that when you've never even met me? The closest you came was when you heard me on the radio and downloaded my waxing clip. You read the posts I make on CF and decide you know me.

OK then. Did you know that one 2 occasions I almost died? (better luck next time eh?)

Did you know I used to be engaged?

Did you know I had to move to Oxford to escape her family?

Did you know I saved a child from drowning when I was 8?

You don't know me at all. What, you read my blog and think you know what happens in my life?

Right.

And you don't think you only know what I chose to post about?

Acting out of character Is everything we know

Here we go.

Our reputation is starlight

Roll with the punches. Even when these are some pretty impressive uppercuts coming my way. Whoever said life is a series of peaks and troughs was right on the money. I've got no idea where the next spike is going to come from but I guess I'll just keep fighting all this. I've got no option - this really IS the bottom line. Pete Lazarus seems to have saved the day - again. Will ride these 3 months out then take action in the new year.

Not heard from my family in a few days, will need to call them up soon. Will have to tell them everything - and get used to it.

My new leather jacket arrived yesterday, as did the Nike running jacket I had off ebay. Seems ok, nothing special though. It's very thin and definately just a runner's top. UT2003 came today so I've been on that all day. The rest of my bits and bobs will come next week apparently. Can't wait for the iTrip - my car cd player is annoying the crap out of me.

Let me sleep on it, I'll give you an answer in the morning

What do the following have in common:

• Unreal Tournament 2003
• Griffin iTrip Nano
• X-Loop wrap around runners sunglasses
• Nike Running Jacket
• Headphone Adapter for a Sony Ericsson W810i

Answer - I've bought them all from Ebay in the last 24 hours. My credit card came through on friday so I've been giving it a right hammering and for all the time I've been online, I've never used Ebay before.

Actually that's not quite true, I used my mother's account a few times but that's only because I wasn't all that interested - until now.

Had my second match with Celtic yesterday against The Workman - and no I didn't win. I was disqualified due to outside interference. DeathRow came down and wasted Workman. Not happy that I lost to him. Anyway Kim came with me and she enjoyed the show, she's starting to get on with everyone. Really nice girl is Kim - I don't know why I sound so surprised that that. Probably because I'm so used to Louise.

Was with Camilla in the evening - she's cool as well. I'm seeing sides of her I didn't know existed.

My cousin Robbie called me the other night and we talked for ages. Was hoping he could bring the family to the show yesterday but it was too short notice - we'll sort it out soon though.

And I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way tonight

What just happened today??

Had a loooong think in work today. Sod actual 'work' (I mean, what right do they have to expect me to do the job for which I am paid), I needed to get my head around a lot of stuff. All about last night. And my life.

I'm Russ Burt. I'm wearing the name like a badge.

Burt is my birthname. In 1997 I decided to change my name by deed poll. No, I won't say why.

Last night I came home. I was with my family. Enough of my mother's side, the ones I've been brought up with. The ones who treat me like an outcast because of squabbles which I had no part in. The ones who I feel no affinity with. The ones who have created me to be so one-sided. I don't want any of that.

I want my father's family. The Burts. My birthright. My heritage. I want to be ME for the first time in so many years. Russ David was a creation. A nothingness with no reality. He never really existed, even though I did everything legitimately.

So November 1st 2006 sees me 'return' after a 9 year absence. The difference now of course is my name actually means something to me and like I said, I'm wearing it like a badge. I was going to be the last of the Burts and the family line would have ended with me and there's no way I'd desecrate it like that.

Am I being dramatic? You might think so but I really don't care. As a great man once said, "You must show no mercy…nor have any belief whatsoever in how others judge you…for your greatness will silence them all". Am I saying I'm great? Nah, far from it. But my loyalty, belief and faith in my family will silence everyone.

I don't know you if you won't know me

It's been a long time coming. Almost 25 years in fact.

For reasons I won't go in to here (because it's none of your business), I saw very little of my father's family as I grew up. Up until I was about 7 I saw them all the time but then something happened and that was it, no more. It's such a shame that I have very few memories of any of them but that's that I suppose.

My father's father passed away in 1993 so my dad and I went to the funeral. We were largely ignored and only a few bothered to say hello. None of them stick out in my mind as I wouldn't have remembered who they were anyway.

Jump forward to 2005 and my cousin Sally turns up out of the blue. She always loved my father (her uncle) and finally tracked us down. My father was really made up as he loved her too. She was one of the few who spoke to him at the funeral by the way.

I remember Sal from when I was younger. Only a few memories but never mind. In the last year she's been around quite a lot, in fact she's been like how a cousin should.

She's been saying for ages she'd take me to meet them all and I kept putting it off until this week I decided enough was enough and I wanted to see my family. I've missed out on so much which can never be replaced. Not just family get-togethers etc but just knowing I've got cousins and family around me.

Anyway, we arranged it for tonight.

And tonight I got reaquainted with Aunts Val and Carol (my dad's sisters) and cousins Robbie, Tony and John as well as their respective kids. And I loved it.

Loved it.

They all welcomed me back, it was amazing. I only had 2 hours with them as I was working for The Wave tonight (hear that Carl?) but I'm definately going to spend more time with them. It'll be nice to take Alyssa there too.

Amazing. I was with my cousins tonight. All 4 of them. I've never been able to say that before.

Porthcawl has never looked so good!